Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
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Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS