My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
You Might Also Like
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I feel seen
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Noted.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.