I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
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[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
live long and prosper!
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.