me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
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me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied