What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
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I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Ha
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday