Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
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Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Just had my nails done!
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.