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I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy