WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
⛄️
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows