My wife has the worst taste in men.
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If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Meanwhile in Canada…
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
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The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
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It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Single and childfree like Jesus
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.