My wife has the worst taste in men.
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HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.