[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
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My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.