“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
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My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.