A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
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I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That鈥檚 cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don鈥檛 sell those
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Like you鈥檝e never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Good for him馃槈馃ぃ馃槈馃ぃ馃槈馃ぃ
Sheep
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper鈥ut I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.