The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
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[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”