The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

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me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever


Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.


Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.


Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*


Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)


Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”


[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture


Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!


Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.