Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
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In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Milk Cube
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP