Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

Butt weight. There’s more!

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

I’m an avid indoorsman.

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

Netflix: We have Less

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression