6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
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I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course