Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
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Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.