@FatherWithTwins

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

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@caliluvgirl77

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

@Woody_B_

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

@clichedout

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

@DevilryFun

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

@I_Bl33d_Purple

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

@twisted_mystic

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

@offbeatoliv

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

@markydoodoo

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one