*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
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Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..