*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course![]()
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If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.