I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
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Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.