I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
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[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
that colleague who touches your screen
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Spell check is for lasers.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity