robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
You Might Also Like
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit