Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
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me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.