me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
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The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.