I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
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I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.