writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
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It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Saw online –
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.