Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
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Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.