I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
You Might Also Like
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
three things we don’t talk about
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
doing your own taxes
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.