Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
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Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
why isn’t he texting back
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.