Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
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Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
need him
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”