Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
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me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”