I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
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As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
#parenting
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat