I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
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My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Siri, fight Alexa.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.