Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
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It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
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If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
sigh
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Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
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Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?