Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
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You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Punctuation Matters. Period.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.