Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
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Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers