ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
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welp
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
And that about sums it up.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.