While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
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[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?