Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
You Might Also Like
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.