Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
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craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?