Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go