Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
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“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”