“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
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Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Personal question. #JustSaying
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat