I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
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Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
#StillHurts
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.