I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
for all #parents out there
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father