I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
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WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks