Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
You Might Also Like
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
“I FIXED IT!”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Livid.