My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
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Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you