If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
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Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.