I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
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Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.