I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
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I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
the best thing i’ve ever made
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Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.