@athleisure_monk [god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
@JackMackenroth I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
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@athleisure_monk 
@daemonic3 I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
@notfunnyelle my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
@OwensDamien Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
@Ideal_Victoria Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
@KatieBurnett Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
@BuckyIsotope FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
@carlyken [bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
@difficultpatty Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
@EmoPhilips 23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.