I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
![]()
You Might Also Like
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
![]()
![]()
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever