@JackMackenroth

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

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@daemonic3

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

@notfunnyelle

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

@OwensDamien

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

@Ideal_Victoria

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

@KatieBurnett

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

@BuckyIsotope

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

@carlyken

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

@difficultpatty

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

@EmoPhilips

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.