Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

the best thing i’ve ever made

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.