Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
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Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
new year update: losing everything but weight
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.