What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
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If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me