What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
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[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.