My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
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Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
🔦🌙👣
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face