We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
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I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
The devil.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…