harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
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Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
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KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
cry laughing at this shit
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Pot warmers of the day.
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You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers