harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
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Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Meeeee too!
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.