Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math